Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
