Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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