Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
