he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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