I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
