if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
