I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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