I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
