Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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