I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
