I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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