better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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