he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
