I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
