the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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