Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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