he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
