I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
