Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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