I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She announced her abortion via fbk
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
