Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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