God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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