Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
