Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
