my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
