shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
