i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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