she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
