Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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