I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
