I'll bet she douches with gravy.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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