She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
