I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
