Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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