drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
