Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
