Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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