I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
