Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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