Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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