How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
