We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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