My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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