dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
All the doctor said was why
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
