dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
