You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
