i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
