The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
