I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
