Sorry, I don't speak sober.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
