My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
