so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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