Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Randomize
